The absence of sound then suddenly..here it is. A whistle of air followed closely by the force of the air towards you like a slap in the face.Metaphorically of course, to give you a descriptor detailing the moment when an idea occurs, realization.
Time stands still and focuses when a shadow is pulled out and made fleshy. At 5:30am yesterday morning during a caffeine-fuelled attempt to force my creative hand as the clock was tick-tocking I had the amazing, undeniable revelation that most of my problems in life were down to two things:
Mediocrity and indecision.
One strives all one's life to be special and to obtain a unique talent and it dawned on my that I was trying to be several people at once, none of whom I have any particular natural lean to be. Trying people on for size. Yet my indecisive nature meant I would follow bandwagon after bandwagon and being a chameleon, could do a pretty decent imitation, but it never felt good around my neck like a silk scarf, more like a millstone. My heart would sink as I shrugged on another self, another try.
Hopping from one to the next always wanting to feel as comfortable when the one thing ive always loved to do hadn't found its way to me.
What I realised at 5:30am that day, was mainly that life is some bullshit construct. Society forcing us into pigeon holes in order to create order - a mechanism for supply and demand, and we get rewarded for being good little worker bees rushing to fulfil a role. When your bones creek and your tits sag, it's right and proper to remove oneself from the eyes of worried youth and die a slow lingering death somewhere out of sight and out of mind.
We can't just BE, we must DO...basic needs and then some gotta be filled quick sharp.
I heard somewhere Plato sat around all day thinking. He had devoted followers to fetch his meals and sustain him. What a luxury. As stale as 3-day old bread left out in the sun to bake is the possibility to be allowed by society to do that, unpalletable.
Validation to society's judgement - its true we can be very happy living within these confines but we have to find ourselves first - find a way to make it taste good, know what we need to do and be accepted. That's quite the elusive trick to pull my friends.
Another niche that doesn't fit but we must tell our parents and teachers we must BE something when we mature, except mature, that is.
The thing is, there is no definition, dictionary, manual or encyclpoedia for the human character - the infinite mixture of people's DNA coupled with their experiences means we are all at some sort of war. We all differ and yet to survive we must find the commonality and the unity for there is simply not enough room for 7 billion countries on this planet. Yet some individuals own more than 7 billion in monetary units and if they own 14, we could each have 2 pounds and we'd all be equal.
I myself like to know who people are, what they do and what they make of themselves and this life. It helps in allying oneself, a shift in power, an immediate security blanket. The problem comes where someone is not what they seem but it makes life interesting I guess, the potholes and the sinkholes and the pigeonholes.
Even alone we must be DOING something, for our subconscious doesn't rest whilst we sleep.
it is truly then:
I AM therefore I DO. I THINK therefore I AM. I DO therefore I LIVE.